Archive for January, 2005

Preposition Proposition

Friday, January 28th, 2005

Sometimes I need to end my sentences with a preposition.

And I’m not alone.

I think it’s time they revise that rule. And while “they” are at it, they should do something about capitalization. it’s pointless.

in fact, it sometimes creates confusion due to the “lowercase L” / “capital i” similarity.

see? even to properly explain that example, i had to use reverse capitalization so that you would know which letter i was referring to.

(and there’s your preposition, by the way…)

I can’t stop thinking about food.

Friday, January 28th, 2005

Have you noticed that your last bite of a Chicken Sandwich from Burger King

(and this is even more true about McDonalds) always contains a nasty knobby

chicken piece?

It is often so terrible, I wind up spitting out the half-chewed last

bite. But that’s not the bad part.

The sandwich is round. All sides are exactly the same.

So is it just coincidence that the last bite is knobby?

Or does every bite contain a knob, but our pangs of hunger distract us from noticing

that we are eating knobs.

Then, as we reach the end (and grow presumably less hungry), we start to

notice the flaws in the food.

Apply it to any relationship and you’ll see that I am right.

Me, “when did she start acting so crazy?”

All of my friends, “oh, she’s always been crazy, haven’t you noticed?”

But I didn’t notice, because I was distracted by the other benefits of the

relationship.

Thank God she didn’t have a knob, because I probably wouldn’t have even noticed.

Movie Food

Friday, January 28th, 2005
My unnamed adult friend has the diet (or spending habits, I’m not sure which) of an 8 year old.
If he sees a good movie or cartoon, he buys the cereal and eats it exclusively until the next good movie/food comes along.
He is currently finishing Shrek 2, and is about to have a bowl of SpongeBob SquarePants.
I find that unhealthy and a little insane.

Now if they ever make a Crispix Talk to Her, I’m there…

Re:

Friday, January 28th, 2005
isn’t it interesting that an email exchange takes the shape of a pyramid after a while?

first, both parties are exchanging a lot of information.

but that eventually tapers off.

the conversation trickles down, each party using fewer and fewer words

in their reply, until reaching the lowest common denominator.

which would be one unreply-able word. and with me, that final one word is often “word”.

nothing you can say back to that. without expanding the pyramid.

Taking up a Man’s Room

Friday, January 28th, 2005

So last night, I was at my friend’s club, and I walk into the restroom. There wasn’t a line, but every urinal was occupied. Except one. That’s right, the middle urinal was open…

So I buck up and squeeze into that middle spot.

Between two guys who were much bigger than me.

I mean they were taller. I didn’t look down.

Anyway, I’m probably only 25% done with what I’m doing. Guy to my left probably 50% done. And that’s when the guy to my right leaves. And so does everyone else in the restroom.

Now it’s just me and the guy to my left. To my immediate left. Our elbows are touching. But you can’t stop what you’re doing and move over. That’s physically impossible. You just try to hurry up.

It’s exactly like being stuck in an elevator with a guy who is standing way too close to you. And has his wanker in his hand.

Coffee Talk

Thursday, January 27th, 2005

So I just poured myself a cup of coffee, and the smell kicked up a gag reflex I didn’t even know I had.

Hazelnut flavored coffee smells disgusting! I mean really, really bad.

I can’t believe it’s as popular as it is.

It’s the Nic Cage of coffee.

The more horrible it performs, the more money people will throw at it,

perhaps for the sake of optimism, although I am inclined to believe that it’s because your average consumer has horrible taste.

Even in a pressure-free situation, they will purchase a yucky Hazelnut as often as they will select a delicious French Vanilla coffee product.

And if you don’t believe me, conduct this simple test for yourself.

Go to your local grocery store. Or wherever bad videos are rented.

Find Sonny and watch it. It has nothing to do with Hazelnut coffee.

But it has everything to do with Nicholas Cage being the worst actor/director ever.

He is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. Bad. He is bad.

He makes Ed Wood look like an editing master.

It is really that bad. Even compared to his other movies, this is bad. And remember, he acted circles around himself in Gone in Sixty Seconds. But Sonny is worse than that. It’s worse than any other movie. It’s actually worse than things that aren’t even movies. But it’s still better than Hazelnut.

fortune brings good cookie

Wednesday, January 26th, 2005

Susanna Potter (friend from Kindergarten) describes my writing style as being very

“fortune cookie”.

And maybe that’s the answer…

Perhaps I will finally achieve the success I deserve by baking my writings into food.

But I write on a laptop, so I imagine I should transfer messages to another medium before baking into food.

Do you think this means that the written-on-actual-paper word will have to survive,

if only for the benefit of the fortune cookie?

Or could it be the other way around?

Hmm, food for thought. (And I can’t help but point out that there is something apropos about flipping that phrase and tying in something about “thoughts in your food”. But that would be too obvious, or a bit too tangential, and certainly a waste of good laptop either way.)

$400 for a massage??

Friday, January 21st, 2005

I’m not saying that prostitution is right, but we must defer to Adam Smith.

He preached the merits of a free-market economy. And I have to agree with him…

People doing a good job at something should be paid well.

People doing poorly should be compensated accordingly.

And people who suck should be forced to do it for free.

speaking in tongues. french tongues.

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005

you look like someone i’d want to make out with

if it were late and i was really drunk.

i cannot figure out why that didn’t work.

i must be asking the wrong ladies.

MLK Day Celebrations

Monday, January 17th, 2005

We have new site improvements for Martin Luther King Day!

Actually, they’re really not that exciting. And they’re not really for MLK Day.

But it is MLK Day today. And we do have a brand new Error Page.

If you are going to type something wrong, and get an error, wouldn’t it be nice to incorporate a little pleasure into the process.

Damn straight we’re lookin’ out for you…