Archive for January, 2005

There are no saints so annoying as the reformed sinners…

Sunday, January 16th, 2005

I generally resist the urge to quote brilliant people, because that takes the focus off me. But I just quit smoking, so here you go:



“My excuse for not lecturing against the use of tobacco is, that I never chewed it;

that is a penalty which reformed tobacco-chewers have to pay;

though there are things enough I have chewed which I could lecture against.”

-Henry David Thoreau

Here’s Who I Am Gonna Shoot Next:

Thursday, January 13th, 2005

(In order to give you a sporting chance, this is your warning…)

The next person who finishes telling me a long story by saying

“and then I started pulling his leg, just like I’m pulling yours”.

The Bachelorette. Tonight on ABC.

Monday, January 10th, 2005

So that horrible reality show (which I will soon be watching religiously) begins tonight on ABC.

The promos have been airing non-stop…

My favorite part is an audio clip from one of the more competitive male suitors…

He must be trying to insult another player (or is it player-fiancee?)so he says:

“I will chew him up like a piece of garbage!”

That troubled me. I mean, are we doing that now?

Really?? We’re eating garbage?

Showering

Monday, January 10th, 2005

I think I was a stinky child. I just realized this today. I was taking a shower, and thinking about all the spots on my body that I used to miss. I mean, I had the basics down. I’m sure of that. But the specific scrubbing that I do now, concentrating my attention on each spot, attending to every detail… Yeah, I think that may be new.

I am trying to recall my exact childhood showering routine, but I can’t think back that far. I do remember a time at a girlfriend’s house in Palm Springs, must have been ten years ago. I don’t think I had perfected my system, at that point. Maybe I’m still not perfect. But awareness is the first step… And now that I am aware, I’m wondering if I’m on the right track. How do we ever know? Should I spend more time in locker rooms? Should bars of soap, loofahs, and body scrubs come with directions? Or perhaps instructional videos? I guess if it came to that, I’d rather not know…

Should I take it before I even meet you?

Monday, January 10th, 2005

i’ve never tried Viagra.

because i don’t think it would work for me.

my relationships don’t usually last long enough.

LA Weather

Monday, January 10th, 2005

As I’ve mentioned in my other blog, it’s raining a lot here in LA. That’s why I haven’t been running for the past few days.

So if the weather is nice where you are right now, enjoy the opportunity to work out while I sit around and become a skinny shade of fat.

It has been raining (ok, pouring) for the past two weeks. That’s fairly annoying.

But my real frustration comes from the fact that the local news media has not named this storm yet. This is Hollywood. We name everything here.

Shouldn’t this be FloodStormRainTrackerWatch 2005?

I’m sorry, but if we don’t name it then I refuse to take this weather seriously.

Even the less dramatic East Coast would have named a storm like this by now.

It’s a big deal. Houses are sliding down hills. People might be drowning.

In a storm that has no name. It’s just so un-LA.

I refuse to die in a storm that has no name.

“What happened to Matt?”

“Oh, remember when it was raining last week? It killed him.

Remember that puddle over by his car? Yeah, well he drowned in it.”

you’re in the middle of a cell phone conversation.

Sunday, January 9th, 2005

not a conversation about cell phones.

well i guess it could be a conversation about cell phones.

it could be a conversation about anything.

as long as it’s a conversation on a cell phone.

well anyway…

so you’re in the middle of a conversation on your cell phone.

and then the phones start cutting out. you can’t understand a word the other party is saying.

the following is a transcript from every one of those times…

“blah blah blah” [indecipherable]

“blah blah blah” [indecipherable]

“what did you say?” [perfectly clear]

“i think the phone is breaking up” [perfectly clear]

“blah blah blah” [indecipherable]

“blah blah blah” [indecipherable]

“gonna have to call you back” [perfectly clear]

“i can’t hear you anymore” [perfectly clear]

“i’m going through a bad spot” [perfectly clear]

“blah blah blah” [indecipherable]

“blah blah blah” [indecipherable]

[disconnected]


Nestle Scorched Almonds

Sunday, January 9th, 2005

why was I not told about these sooner?

they are DELICIOUS!!!

or maybe I’m just very hungry.

I’m eating them right now, and I can’t stop.

seems like they are only available in New Zealand

or here

maybe you should buy me some more. I’m almost out.

and now what is this?

why are people boycotting Nestle?

they obviously haven’t tasted the Nestle Scorched Almonds…

My Latest Project

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/dmg/54744921.html

Sorry! I just noticed that the folks at Craigslist deleted my post.

I can’t imagine why…

Of course, I saved a copy. So here it is:

————————————————-

I need a stool to sit on. Performance Art.

Original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/dmg/54744921.html

Posted by: anon-54744921@craigslist.org

Posted on: 2005-01-06, 11:40PM

Be ok with the idea that you will have to spend 5-7 minutes on your hands and knees.

And know that I will be sitting on your back.

Will you be my special stool?

I am a straight male in my late twenties.

(Not that it matters, because I will only be sitting on your back.)

Oh, and I weigh approximately 155 pounds.

No Pay. But if my friends ever need a stool, I’ll give you a great recommendation.

this is in or around LES

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services, chairs, or other commercial interests

hello PETA

Monday, January 3rd, 2005

i do realize that half of everything i say is not funny.

in fact, those unfunny things are often very stupid.

and certainly not worth listening to.

but to be fair, those odds are better than anyone else i know.

now i forgot what i was saying. dammit.

oh, yeah.

there should be a puppy trade-in program.

dogs are not as fascinating as cute little puppies.

couldn’t we start a business where we leased puppies like they were Toyotas?

people could trade them back in for a new puppy every year or so.

(but i’m not sure what we would do with the nasty old dogs we would get back. they would essentially be worthless…)

i think people buy puppies and end up with dogs.

just like guys fall in love with a girlfriend and end up with a wife.

maybe there should be an exchange program for wives, too…

how many dollars can i net in the first year of my puppy exchange?

if it is fiscally wise i will draw up a proposal tomorrow.

not sure who i would get to invest in a business like this, though.

probably hunters or people who wear fur coats. they hate animals.