Archive for August, 2007

i might have to use the "B" word for this one

Wednesday, August 29th, 2007

A friend moved from NYC to LA around the same time I did, and he has never been happier. LA has been good to him- more money, more opportunities, etc.

For me, it has always been exactly the opposite. LA has always been like that girl who doesn’t want to date me. She’s polite, but never offers more than that. She doesn’t laugh at any of my jokes, she doesn’t miss me when I’m gone. She never buys me dinner or offers to pay for anything. I go to her beach, and she kicks sand in my Blackberry. She constantly makes me work hard but gives me nothing in return.

Why can’t I take a hint?

LA, your general disdain is driving me wild.

why didn’t you think of that?

Tuesday, August 21st, 2007

sometimes i use toilet paper to blow my nose when i can’t find any tissues.
i can always find toilet paper, because it’s permanently mounted in the bathroom.

my invention-
toilet paper brackets for the walls throughout the rest of my house.

packrat tax- $4,320.00

Tuesday, August 21st, 2007

after six years of living in NYC, i recently returned to my Hollywood storage unit to examine what i had left behind. i realized that, since 2001, i had been paying $60 each month to keep the sorts of things that you store when you think you’ll only be gone for one month.

here’s what i had been saving:

five slivers of Dove soap.
half a bottle of spf 30 sunblock.
a rolled-up tube of toothpaste. with baking soda.
various other items from under my bathroom sink.
an old television that i bought for 50 bucks in 1996 when i was super broke.
t-shirts from radio stations i worked at ten years ago (those jobs would be the reason i was super broke).
one spare tire for a mountain bike i haven’t seen since college.
a warped pool cue.
an old pair of wool socks.
1200 empty jewel cases for cds that i now keep in cd books.

yesterday, i threw it all in the dumpster.
that was a nice use of my $4,320.

my mouth just had an epiphany

Sunday, August 19th, 2007

i have always maintained the belief that yawning isn’t actually contagious, it’s just a really good idea.
but some “scientists” did some “research” and decided to disagree with me. whatever.

Pinkie Rings

Sunday, August 19th, 2007

overheard yesterday at a swimsuit photo shoot in Santa Monica:

“someone’s pink phone is ringing!”
(the phone rang for a while, of course, as that description achieves maximum vagueness at a swimsuit photo shoot.)

A-Sale

Saturday, August 11th, 2007

i half expected to find Mr T. sitting in this yard…

but i guess he was busy doing this…

to ER is human

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007

you know when you are crying, but it’s on the inside, people console you and stuff?
but when you are bleeding, but it’s on the inside, then people say that you have internal bleeding and they rush you to a hospital.

Random late night Wikipediaings

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007

in lieu of counting sheep, i wikipedia the random things i’m wondering about whilst waiting to fall asleep each night.

here are my nightly queries for the last two and a half weeks:

what’s the deal with cowlicks?
does the FCC let you say “wtf” on the radio?
How old is Justin Timberlake? (I wanted to see how little I’ve done in my life versus this successful child.)
Origin of tables and chairs.
Bear Grylls’ bio.
The expression “have some hair from the tail of the dog that bit you”.
Crime scene cleanups
“come and get your love” lyrics.
Law of diminishing returns.
Capital of Rwanda.
How to opt out of junk mail.
Climbs Everest with a guide (I was trying to remember the word “sherpa”)
Where to buy “save water, shower with a friend” bumper stickers.
Little Black Sambo.
What was Sophie’s choice?
Geo tracker standard colors.
The many children of Rod Stewart.
What ever happened to Baby Jessica?