matt oliver gives badlove

So last night, I was at my friend’s club, and I walk into the restroom. There wasn’t a line, but every urinal was occupied. Except one. That’s right, the middle urinal was open…

So I buck up and squeeze into that middle spot.

Between two guys who were much bigger than me.

I mean they were taller. I didn’t look down.

Anyway, I’m probably only 25% done with what I’m doing. Guy to my left probably 50% done. And that’s when the guy to my right leaves. And so does everyone else in the restroom.

Now it’s just me and the guy to my left. To my immediate left. Our elbows are touching. But you can’t stop what you’re doing and move over. That’s physically impossible. You just try to hurry up.

It’s exactly like being stuck in an elevator with a guy who is standing way too close to you. And has his wanker in his hand.

So I just poured myself a cup of coffee, and the smell kicked up a gag reflex I didn’t even know I had.

Hazelnut flavored coffee smells disgusting! I mean really, really bad.

I can’t believe it’s as popular as it is.

It’s the Nic Cage of coffee.

The more horrible it performs, the more money people will throw at it,

perhaps for the sake of optimism, although I am inclined to believe that it’s because your average consumer has horrible taste.

Even in a pressure-free situation, they will purchase a yucky Hazelnut as often as they will select a delicious French Vanilla coffee product.

And if you don’t believe me, conduct this simple test for yourself.

Go to your local grocery store. Or wherever bad videos are rented.

Find Sonny and watch it. It has nothing to do with Hazelnut coffee.

But it has everything to do with Nicholas Cage being the worst actor/director ever.

He is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. Bad. He is bad.

He makes Ed Wood look like an editing master.

It is really that bad. Even compared to his other movies, this is bad. And remember, he acted circles around himself in Gone in Sixty Seconds. But Sonny is worse than that. It’s worse than any other movie. It’s actually worse than things that aren’t even movies. But it’s still better than Hazelnut.

Susanna Potter (friend from Kindergarten) describes my writing style as being very

“fortune cookie”.

And maybe that’s the answer…

Perhaps I will finally achieve the success I deserve by baking my writings into food.

But I write on a laptop, so I imagine I should transfer messages to another medium before baking into food.

Do you think this means that the written-on-actual-paper word will have to survive,

if only for the benefit of the fortune cookie?

Or could it be the other way around?

Hmm, food for thought. (And I can’t help but point out that there is something apropos about flipping that phrase and tying in something about “thoughts in your food”. But that would be too obvious, or a bit too tangential, and certainly a waste of good laptop either way.)

I’m not saying that prostitution is right, but we must defer to Adam Smith.

He preached the merits of a free-market economy. And I have to agree with him…

People doing a good job at something should be paid well.

People doing poorly should be compensated accordingly.

And people who suck should be forced to do it for free.

you look like someone i’d want to make out with

if it were late and i was really drunk.

i cannot figure out why that didn’t work.

i must be asking the wrong ladies.

We have new site improvements for Martin Luther King Day!

Actually, they’re really not that exciting. And they’re not really for MLK Day.

But it is MLK Day today. And we do have a brand new Error Page.

If you are going to type something wrong, and get an error, wouldn’t it be nice to incorporate a little pleasure into the process.

Damn straight we’re lookin’ out for you…

I generally resist the urge to quote brilliant people, because that takes the focus off me. But I just quit smoking, so here you go:

“My excuse for not lecturing against the use of tobacco is, that I never chewed it;

that is a penalty which reformed tobacco-chewers have to pay;

though there are things enough I have chewed which I could lecture against.”

-Henry David Thoreau

(In order to give you a sporting chance, this is your warning…)

The next person who finishes telling me a long story by saying

“and then I started pulling his leg, just like I’m pulling yours”.

So that horrible reality show (which I will soon be watching religiously) begins tonight on ABC.

The promos have been airing non-stop…

My favorite part is an audio clip from one of the more competitive male suitors…

He must be trying to insult another player (or is it player-fiancee?)so he says:

“I will chew him up like a piece of garbage!”

That troubled me. I mean, are we doing that now?

Really?? We’re eating garbage?

I think I was a stinky child. I just realized this today. I was taking a shower, and thinking about all the spots on my body that I used to miss. I mean, I had the basics down. I’m sure of that. But the specific scrubbing that I do now, concentrating my attention on each spot, attending to every detail… Yeah, I think that may be new.

I am trying to recall my exact childhood showering routine, but I can’t think back that far. I do remember a time at a girlfriend’s house in Palm Springs, must have been ten years ago. I don’t think I had perfected my system, at that point. Maybe I’m still not perfect. But awareness is the first step… And now that I am aware, I’m wondering if I’m on the right track. How do we ever know? Should I spend more time in locker rooms? Should bars of soap, loofahs, and body scrubs come with directions? Or perhaps instructional videos? I guess if it came to that, I’d rather not know…