everything (including healthiness) in moderation

November 2nd, 2007

my arm has been tingling recently. i don’t think that’s good. i need to start exercising again. thought about running, because it’s good for the heart. but then i decided against it, on account of it being bad for the knees.

although i’ve never heard of anyone dying from a knee attack.

cooking my career

November 2nd, 2007

i’m trying to take the different key ingredients of success and use them to make a real career for myself, or a “success pie”, if you will. but i’m having a difficult time combining the different elements. i seem to take each ingredient and use it up before i have a chance to build anything meaningful with it.

i recently grabbed a bunch of sugar and spooned it into my mouth.
then i quit my job because i was bored.
later, i got hungry again so i ate a bag of flour.
then i slept on a friend’s couch for three years.
next, i might try the blueberry filling that comes in a can.

if you’re not a morning person, we need your vote

October 24th, 2007

long boring story, but basically…
i was watching that Tila Tequila show on MTV. one of her suitors is a nightclub promoter in Dothan, Alabama. i didn’t think there would be a big nightlife scene in Dothan, so i did a google search. that got me to the main page for the metropolis of Dothan.

they are evidently trying to decide when to have their weekly commission meetings… either at 10am or 7pm. i, of course, cast my vote for 7pm, since i’m not a morning person. if you agree with me, go there and cast your vote. thank you.

i might have to use the "B" word for this one

August 29th, 2007

A friend moved from NYC to LA around the same time I did, and he has never been happier. LA has been good to him- more money, more opportunities, etc.

For me, it has always been exactly the opposite. LA has always been like that girl who doesn’t want to date me. She’s polite, but never offers more than that. She doesn’t laugh at any of my jokes, she doesn’t miss me when I’m gone. She never buys me dinner or offers to pay for anything. I go to her beach, and she kicks sand in my Blackberry. She constantly makes me work hard but gives me nothing in return.

Why can’t I take a hint?

LA, your general disdain is driving me wild.

why didn’t you think of that?

August 21st, 2007

sometimes i use toilet paper to blow my nose when i can’t find any tissues.
i can always find toilet paper, because it’s permanently mounted in the bathroom.

my invention-
toilet paper brackets for the walls throughout the rest of my house.

packrat tax- $4,320.00

August 21st, 2007

after six years of living in NYC, i recently returned to my Hollywood storage unit to examine what i had left behind. i realized that, since 2001, i had been paying $60 each month to keep the sorts of things that you store when you think you’ll only be gone for one month.

here’s what i had been saving:

five slivers of Dove soap.
half a bottle of spf 30 sunblock.
a rolled-up tube of toothpaste. with baking soda.
various other items from under my bathroom sink.
an old television that i bought for 50 bucks in 1996 when i was super broke.
t-shirts from radio stations i worked at ten years ago (those jobs would be the reason i was super broke).
one spare tire for a mountain bike i haven’t seen since college.
a warped pool cue.
an old pair of wool socks.
1200 empty jewel cases for cds that i now keep in cd books.

yesterday, i threw it all in the dumpster.
that was a nice use of my $4,320.

my mouth just had an epiphany

August 19th, 2007

i have always maintained the belief that yawning isn’t actually contagious, it’s just a really good idea.
but some “scientists” did some “research” and decided to disagree with me. whatever.

Pinkie Rings

August 19th, 2007

overheard yesterday at a swimsuit photo shoot in Santa Monica:

“someone’s pink phone is ringing!”
(the phone rang for a while, of course, as that description achieves maximum vagueness at a swimsuit photo shoot.)


August 11th, 2007

i half expected to find Mr T. sitting in this yard…

but i guess he was busy doing this…

to ER is human

August 8th, 2007

you know when you are crying, but it’s on the inside, people console you and stuff?
but when you are bleeding, but it’s on the inside, then people say that you have internal bleeding and they rush you to a hospital.